On the anniversary of his 42nd year as dictator today, Syrian television broadcast an audio recording made by the country's hidden leader, Moammer "You'll Never Catch Me Or The Spelling Of My Name" Gadhafi. Speaking from an undisclosed location surrounded by armed henchman, Gadhafi encouraged Libyans to die like heroes rather than live like slaves without his boot on their necks. "The Libyan people would rather die than be suppressed," Gadhafi declared from his secret bunker that may not even be in Libya. "This is something we will not allow the traitors to do—let Libya be occupied and suppressed and humiliated."

During his rousing speech, Gadhafi also revealed that the country's capital had been relocated from boring old Tripoli to Sirte, his birthplace and a loyalist stronghold. Please make a note of it. And in a special shout-out to any foreign leaders listening in, Gadhafi explalined, "You will never be able to occupy Libya or run it. You think that the Libyans will listen to you and you give orders from overseas, the same as the Ottoman Turks used to run the affairs of other countries from Istanbul."

In response, rebel leader Abdel-Hafiz Ghoga issued a statement saying the "Gadhafi family is trying to find an exit. They only have to surrender completely to the rebels and we will offer them a fair trial." To sweeten the deal, he also offered each Gadhafi a delicious serving of Turkish Delight and free pony rides once they turn themselves in.