In 2013, the Times reached a zenith in onanistic trend pieces with a feature filled with futurism consultants who thought "Brooklyn is turning out to be the last three days of Burning Man." We worried that the paper of record would not reach those heights again this year—but thankfully our fears were as unfounded as the reports that hipster baby boomers were encroaching upon "hip-hopping" territories. Whether they were lamenting the Sad Plight Of White Brooklyn or combing through the latest pubic hair trend, the NY Times was on it in 2014. Below, take some antacid and check out the best of the worst Brunch Hate Reads.
10. NY Times Picks Up Women With Real Life "Hitch": The Times profiled a Pick Up Artist (PUA) who resents the phrase PUA, and would rather be known as "a social development coach," dating coach, romantics professor, courage therapist, or interactions teacher. It was almost sweet, if you ignored much of the creepy subtext. But extra points for being a "life coach for young children."
9. The NY Times Is ON IT (Pubic Hair): Brunch Hate Reads transcend any one time and place—they can occur without warning in the middle of the week, but still carry with them the foul stench of Sunday morning coffee mingling with manufactured outrage. Anyone who opened the Thursday Style section the last week of January was greeted with just such a feeling upon reading the Times' dedicated pubic hair coverage. It was like listening to your grandfather talk about merkins.
8. Brunch Hate Reads: Having More Than One Job Is Hot New Millennial Trend: No, they're not talking about the millions of Americans struggling in this garbage economy and forced to take multiple part-time jobs just to get by—this is about precious young trendsetters reinventing a wheel that has been rolling downhill for decades.
7. Brooklyn Is Dead (Serious About Expensive Real Estate): The Times dug in to explore one of its favorite topics: the plight of well-off Brooklyn residents who are being priced out of Brooklyn by equally well-off Brooklyn residents.
6. NY Times Weekend Reaches Peak NY Times Weekendness: Long will we remember the weekend of August 16th/17th, when the stars aligned and the Weekend section gave birth to three beautifully masochistic trend pieces: a feature on mason jars (not a joke), an article about the indignity of adults living with roommates (the horror), and "Generation Nice," which included 33 uses of the word Millennial.
5. Brunch Hate Reads: Irritating People Discover Queens: The Times turned its terrible gaze toward Queens in a series of articles in the fall that confirmed that the "Toyota Corolla" of neighborhoods is finally getting respect from singularly irritating new gentrifiers. RIP Ridgewood, we hardly brunched in ye.
4. Sad Young People Lament The Plight Of Living On The Upper East Side: Some sad, financially-stable 20-somethings complained about the hardships they've endured by sacrificing their social lives to reside on the Upper East Side. Because, dear god, no one will visit them.
3. Young Rich People Are Aliens Infiltrating NYC With Cold Hard Cash: Reading between the lines, we finally understood how all these rich young people were able to afford prime Manhattan real estate while everyone else gets poorer: they're extraterrestrials in sweatpants.
2. NY Times Monocle Trend Story Becomes Self-Fulfilling Prophecy: First, the Times declared that the monocle is BACK in style, in their fifth article on the subject matter over the past 100 years; this is five times too many articles on this subject. Second, the Times was plunged into a shame spiral, leading to introspection and reflection about their tendency toward hacky trend pieces. Third, the prophecy (sorta) came true.
1. The Struggle Is Real: 22-Yr-Old Settles For $3700/Month Apartment: 'The Hunt' is the quintessential masturbatory NY Times column, and this is its Guernica.
Bonus: In A Year's Worth Of NY Times Articles, The Millennial Emerges: An analysis of a year's worth of Times stories on Millennials reveals a surprisingly cogent picture of the Instagram-following, stuff-disrupting, pro football-ruining, credit card-avoiding, hookup-having generation.
PSA: The NY Times has a weakness for self-parodying trend-baiting, masochistic Millennial obsessing, and the perverse lifestyles of the filthy rich. If a reporter with the Real Estate, Style or Weekend sections approaches you about a story, just smile gently and run in the opposite direction. No one is forcing you to become representative of everything that everyone hates about New Yorkers.