There's only one park in Manhattan where truly sophisticated aristocrats can promenade in peace without being subjected to the vulgar axilla-scratching antics of the lower orders: Gramercy Park, a fastidiously gated paradise accessible only to those who have earned entrée through the merits of our flawless capitalist system. A limited number of keys to Gramercy Park are closely guarded by the noble lords and ladies who reside alongside its idyllic expanse, where they recreate themselves in a secluded sanctuary of hard-won privilege.

Sadly, the park's pristine sanctity is desecrated every 24th of December, when, in keeping with pagan tradition, any mouth-breathing villager from the outer boroughs is invited to drag his knuckles about inside, tossing excrement through the fence at mortified passersby. This grotesque spectacle will be staged later this month, when the Parish of Calvary St. George is once again granted permission to welcome the keyless masses into Gramercy Park to sing their vulgar "carols." Thank you, one term mayor Bill de Blasio.

Beleaguered Gramercy residents have just a few weeks to prepare their souls for the park's annual defilement. It's unclear how long it will take workers to eradicate the foul stench left behind by non-key holders, but we're told maintenance workers are prepared to cleanse with fire if necessary. Perhaps this year they could initiate that process early, while the coarse interlopers are still spreading their filth around inside?